


Breaking Your Heart

by FollowTheFirefly



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, Hinata Shouyou & Yamaguchi Tadashi Friendship, If only by one year, Inspired by Music, M/M, Reconciliation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-18
Updated: 2016-12-18
Packaged: 2018-09-09 10:07:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,244
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8886811
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FollowTheFirefly/pseuds/FollowTheFirefly
Summary: In which Kei realizes a few things after he breaks up with Tadashi.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I was listening to "It's Not Easy" on the way home from work the other day and this practically wrote itself. I've been wanting to write a Tsukiyama story about something other than them getting together and this seemed like a good time to try. I've also been trying to get Kei's personality down when it comes to his insecurities, since that's something that I can definitely relate to, but I'm not sure I did that well with it.

The day after they broke up, Kei skipped volleyball practice for the first time in his life. He figured that it would be better for both of them to be apart. It didn’t help that he had to watch Tadashi in class that day. Instead of them trying to sneak texts to each other, hoping that they wouldn’t get caught, Kei watched Tadashi stare at his desk, his eyes blank and expressionless. Kei stared out the window for the rest of the day, trying to distance himself from everyone and everything around him.

So instead of going to practice that day, which Kei looked forward to, he found himself walking past the gym and onto the cold streets, shoving his hands into his pockets in an attempt to keep warm. Not that it would do a lot of good, anyway. Music played through his headphones, but he was only half listening. Kei found his mind wandered a lot more lately, as if his brain was trying to distract him from the heartache he’d been feeling.

He’d be lying if he said that he didn’t get distracted in class, but Kei found that he couldn’t focus on anything at all. He heard the lectures in class, but his mind couldn’t process what he was hearing. He just wanted to be anywhere else besides school.

A loud bang jolted Kei from his thoughts. He looked around and found that he was standing in front of the electronics store, the TVs in the window display playing an American action movie. Kei remembered all the nights he and Tadashi watched those types of movies late at night because there was never anything else on. Tadashi secretly liked spy movies, so Kei had grown accustomed to the loud explosions and gunfire that often accompanied those types of things. 

He kept walking, doing his best to stay focused on what was in front of him. There weren’t many people on the street, probably because of the cold, and he had no problem making his way through the town quickly. 

Kei stopped at a crosswalk, watching the cars pass in front of him. 

“I knew this would fucking hurt.”

He crossed the street once the path was cleared and he noticed the song playing on his iPod changed.

Tadashi’s favourite song.

Kei froze in the middle of the sidewalk, his mind moving in a million different directions.

“I can’t.”

He reached for the iPod in his pocket and skipped to the next song.

-

“I wonder why Tsukishima’s not here. He never misses practice, right?”

Tadashi looked up to see Hinata walking over towards him from the other end of the gym, though ‘bouncing’ was probably a more accurate term to describe the way the small second-year was making his way over to Tadashi. How Hinata had so much energy was a complete mystery to the rest of the team. Tadashi felt like he would never be able to have that much energy, but his current mood wasn’t helping matters.

He knew that he didn’t pay much attention during most of practice. That much was obvious considering the fact that he’d been hit in the face by the volleyball no less than eight times. He knew that he didn’t need Kei to be there, but considering what had happened and the fact that Kei was missing caused Tadashi to focus on other things. 

“You okay, Yamaguchi?” Hinata knelt down and looked at his friend with genuine concern. “You’ve been more spacey than usual and that’s coming from me.”

Tadashi didn’t say anything. He hadn’t told anyone what had happened and apparently Kei hadn’t either.

“Tsukki and I split up last night.”

Hinata stared at Tadashi, eyes wide.

“No way! Seriously? You’re kidding, right?”

“I wish I was.” Tadashi finished lacing up his street shoes and followed Hinata out of the gym.

“But you guys were so perfect for each other!” Hinata slung his bag over his shoulder. “And so obvious!”

“I thought so, too.” Tadashi said with a sad smile.

“Have you talked to him about it?” Hinata asked as he and Tadashi stopped in front of the bike rack. “I mean, I’m assuming that you weren’t the one to end it, right?”

“No, he did.” He knew that Hinata meant well, but Tadashi would really rather talk about anything else.

“Do you know why?” Hinata was bent over and fiddling with the bike lock as he spoke.

“That’s the weird thing.” Tadashi crossed his arms in front of his chest. “He didn’t really make a whole lot of sense.”

“Huh?” Hinata turned back and looked up at Tadashi. “What do you mean?”

“First he said that it didn’t feel right, but then he said something about not feeling the way he did before?” The whole thing made Tadashi’s head spin. “I know he’s never been good at expressing himself, but this was weird even for him.”

“Maybe he doesn’t want to tell his family that he’s gay?” Hinata yanked the chain off his bike and threw it in his bag. “I know it was rough telling mine.”

“No, his whole family knew before we started dating. His brother said it was obvious when I first met Tsukki and that’s why they weren’t surprised at all.” Tadashi shook his head. “He’s always been a bit distant and I respect that since he tells me the things that matter, but lately I feel like I just don’t know him at all. If it was really bothering him, I think he would have said something.”

“Maybe he skipped practice today so you could take your mind off things?” Hinata walked next to his bike as he and Tadashi made their way off the school grounds. 

“I dunno…” Tadashi said slowly. “Do you really think he’d do that?”

“He’s always had a soft spot for you, Yamaguchi. Even I could see that was obvious.” Hinata nodded. “I don’t think the two of you splitting up is going to change that.”

-

He knew the first month would be the worst, but he had no idea that it would be so damn hard. He didn’t want to go back to practice for a while, but he knew that the really didn’t have much of a choice. They had a big game against Fukurodani in a few weeks and they needed all the help they could get training the new first years.

What Kei hated the most was watching Tadashi on the sidelines, looking at Yachi’s notes and scribbling a few additions in the margins. He’d always been so eager to play, to get on the court with the rest of his friends, but Kei had never seen Tadashi look so lifeless as he had in the last month.

His eyes turned upward as the nearby streetlight flickered off and on, allowing the darkness to set in for a few brief seconds before the light took over again. He shrugged and kept walking, taking in the silence around him. Walking at night definitely helped take his mind off of things, but it didn’t work for long. Kei had to wonder if he was slowly growing number with each passing day. He just didn’t care about things as much as he used to.

“Dammit, this fucking sucks.” Kei hissed, his breath forming a cloud of mist in the air in front of him as he spoke. 

He pulled out his phone and checked the time. It was well after midnight and while he didn’t have school the next day, he didn’t want to stay out too late and make his parents worry.

“I’ve fucked up enough as it is, anyway.”

He turned around and made his way back to his house, following his footprints back through the snow that had started falling an hour or two ago. There hadn’t been any snow in the forecast for the next few days and it took Kei by surprise, but he decided to stay outside anyway. He liked having the snow as a distraction.

Once he reached his house, Kei quietly opened the door and slipped inside, taking care not to drip snow onto the floor as he slid out of his shoes and tiptoed into the hallway. Making his way up the stairs, he stopped short in front of his bedroom door. Even being in his bedroom was difficult. He had so many memories of Tadashi in his room, from reading comics and Akiteru’s volleyball magazines with a flashlight under the covers at night to covering the ceiling with stickers of glow in the dark stars, moons and planets. When they got older, Tadashi still came and slept over at least twice a week and they’d both had their first kiss while they were watching the moon.

“Was it really that long ago?”

Kei opened the door and stepped inside, throwing himself down onto his bed. Akiteru had said that his brother was getting more emo since he and Tadashi split up, but Kei knew that there had been a little bit of truth to that. Normally Kei wouldn’t go walking outside for hours on end after dark or sit in his room with the lights off, but it helped some of the numbness go away until he was ready to try to drift off to sleep. 

He knew exactly why he felt like this. Akiteru had told him that the first breakup was always the worst, but Kei knew that it wasn’t meant to be this difficult. He wouldn’t be hurting so much if he really meant it.

Because he’d never stopped loving Tadashi.

After all, how could he not? Kei hated that he and his insecurities were the cause of all of this and everything came crashing down before he could realize what was happening.

“He can find someone better than me.”

Despite all of that, he still wanted to see him, to tell him that it wasn’t his fault and that he hadn’t done anything wrong. Kei missed Tadashi more than he cared to admit. At first he thought it was only natural considering that they spent so much of their lives together. It was why his family wasn’t surprised when he told them he was dating Tadashi seven months ago. Akiteru had said that Tadashi was his better half and Kei was his and that was just the way things were between them.

But in the month since he had last spoken to Tadashi, Kei realized that this wouldn’t go away. He would still feel his heart clench in his chest whenever he thought of Tadashi and dammit, he just really wanted to talk to him.

Then again, maybe that was the answer to everything.

Without even thinking, Kei found his hands reaching for his phone.

-

Tadashi hadn’t had a proper night of sleep since then. It wasn’t that he’d been crying himself to sleep, though he’d only done that the day Kei called it off. He was just too depressed and confused to sleep and he felt his mind was wandering far more than it should for such a late hour. There were too many questions that kept him up at night and he knew that he probably wouldn’t get answers for any of them.

“I just wish I could get over this.”

He reached over, plugged his phone into the charger by the bed and set it down next to his pillow. He knew he should be exhausted from practice with the way Nishinoya had him helping the first years with diving drills, but despite his best efforts it looked like it was going to be another sleepless night.

“Why do I have to be so pathetic?”

Tadashi had always assumed that if they split up, it would be because of something he had done. He knew Kei had his insecurities and Tadashi was self-conscious enough for the both of them, but he’d hoped that they could work past that. They had, in fact, needed to talk about it several times in the last few months, with Tadashi reassuring Kei that yes, he really was happy with everything and no, he wasn’t being forced to do anything he didn’t want to do. Kei would always bottle things up and not talk about it unless Tadashi forced him to, but they’d both been making progress in being more open with each other.

At least Tadashi thought they had.

He rolled onto his side and curled up into a ball, his eyes staring into the darkness of his bedroom. Thinking about Kei hurt more than anything, but he wanted to know why he had done it, if he really meant it at all. Even though he was constantly worried about it, Kei had always seemed happy when they were together, though he showed it in his own way. Tadashi assumed that Kei would tell him if that had ever changed. It was all so sudden and Tadashi still hoped that it was just a bad dream and that he’d be waking up soon.

“I guess I should try to get some sleep. At least tomorrow’s Sunday.”

He’d just closed his eyes when his phone went off, playing a certain MIDI ringtone that Tadashi knew all too well.

He felt his heart jump. He wasn’t imagining hearing that, right? He reached over to his phone, tapped the call button on the touch screen and held the phone up to his ear.

“Kei?”

-

It wasn’t the first time they’d met after dark, but it certainly was the latest. Normally their meetings were planned a bit better than this impromptu one. But twenty minutes later found Kei walking closer to their usual meeting place: the bridge over the creek at the park near their houses. Tadashi had discovered when they were kids that the park was a good middle point between his house and Kei’s and naturally, it had been their meeting place ever since.

Kei pulled his scarf up over his face in an attempt to shield himself from the cold wind and the falling snow, but it really didn’t help much. His earlier walk had conditioned him to the cold for a while, but the snow was falling faster now and Kei just wanted to find Tadashi.

His eyes squinted to see through the darkness that was only illuminated by the streetlights and he soon found his way off the sidewalk, his feet taking him in the direction of the bridge down a path he knew so well. Each footfall brought a satisfying crunch as the gathering snow crushed beneath his shoes. Maybe he should have waited to call Tadashi after the snow stopped. Or decided to meet at a place where they wouldn’t be covered in snow.

It wasn’t long before Kei saw him sitting on one side of the bridge. He’d moved some snow out of the way and was leaning against the wooden boards on the bottom of the handrail, his feet dangling over the side as his eyes stared off into the darkness.

Kei knew that Tadashi had been upset, but he hadn’t realized just how hurt he was until he saw his eyes in the faint light. The eyes he grown to love that were usually so full of energy were cold, sad, and confused, betraying Tadashi more than he knew.

He reached him soon enough, pushing some snow aside with his feet and kicking it into the rushing creek below. He sat down on the bridge next to Tadashi, both of them facing straight ahead, not looking at each other. Neither of them said anything for a while. Kei preferred to think that he was letting the silence do the talking for him, but as to how Tadashi took it, he could only guess.

“A bit cold for this, huh?”

Kei looked over at Tadashi, who was looking down at the creek, watching the water break over the rocks.

“I’m sorry.” Kei really didn’t know what else to say. “I just…” Tadashi looked back at him when Kei didn’t say anything. “I just really wanted to see you.”

“Hmm.” Tadashi hoped Kei would realize how much he missed him, too. “You’ve been skipping practice a lot lately. Everyone’s pretty worried about you.”

“Really?” Kei was surprised.

“You and Hinata both care about the team more than anything else. Skipping was the last thing anyone expected you to do.” Tadashi said.

“I’ve just had a lot on my mind, I guess.” Kei reached his arms up to the beams. “And I thought you could use the team more than me. Hinata’s always been great at helping people, you know.”

“But volleyball’s always been your thing.” Tadashi frowned.

“I could give it up a little bit for you.” Kei pushed his glasses up his nose.

Tadashi stared at Kei. Hinata had been right after all.

“So why’d you want to come out here at three in the morning while it’s snowing?”

Kei knew this wouldn’t be easy.

“I didn’t explain myself well that night.”

“No, you didn’t.”

“I just…” Why did he have to have such a hard time expressing himself? Kei had hoped that he’d grow out of it, but it looked like that wasn’t going to happen. “I’m not sure how to even say it.”

“Is there someone else?” The thought had certainly crossed Tadashi’s mind, especially with the way that girls kept asking Kei out even when he and Tadashi were dating.

“No.” Kei said quickly. “I’ve never stopped loving you.”

“But you still ended it.” Tadashi bit his lip, looking down at the creek.

“I didn’t want to.” Kei shook his head.

“Then why did you?”

Kei sighed, trying to think of a way to put the jumbled feelings in his head into words.

“I was trying to protect you.”

Tadashi turned back to look at Kei, a thousand questions on his lips and unsure of which one to ask first. He’d assumed that he was the one most hurt by the breakup but when he looked back at Kei, he saw the pain in his eyes and realized that Kei had been hurting as much as he had.

“I know you constantly tell me otherwise, but I still don’t think I’m good enough. You could have been with someone much smarter and cooler and just…better at everything than I am.” Kei started.

“Kei, you’re the smartest one in our class.” Tadashi pointed out. “And you’re much better at everything than I’ll ever be.”

“But I don’t want to see you get hurt because of me,” Kei went on.

“You’ve already done that.” Tadashi said so softly that Kei barely heard him.

“See? I just always fuck up shit like that.” Kei rested his chin on his arms, glaring out at the darkness as if that would help things.

“You’ve always been too hard on yourself,” Tadashi assured him. “I mean, I still managed to fall for you in spite of that.” He was silent for a minute and said, “And I don’t think I’d still be in love with you if something like that bothered me.” He leaned back and looked at Kei. “I mean, you’ve already broken my heart. How much worse can you possibly do?”

“See? You should be with someone who doesn’t make you feel like that.” Kei refused to meet Tadashi’s gaze.

“But I don’t care about all that.” Tadashi shook his head. “It’s definitely not cool that this happened, no matter what your intentions were. But I still love you for you, the good parts and the bad parts.” He sighed and went on. “I know you’re really insecure about a lot of things, but you don’t have to be. You’re much better than you give yourself credit for.”

They didn’t say anything for a few minutes. Kei stretched his hand out, trying to catch the falling snow on the palm of his hand as his mind raced. 

“This is a pretty fucked up situation we’ve found ourselves in.”

“Yeah…” Tadashi said slowly. “But Kei, you really don’t have to worry about me so much. You know I’d mention it if I had a problem with something, right?”

“I guess I should have known that.” Kei tipped his hand over, the small pile of snow in his palm falling into the water.

“So what the hell are we doing?”

Kei turned back to look at Tadashi in alarm. He was never one to swear unless under great stress, which made Kei even more anxious.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean now. I think it’s obvious that neither of us want it to stay like this.” Tadashi shook his head. “I thought I was the only one affected by this, but I guess you’ve been messed up pretty badly, too.”

“I didn’t think it was meant to hurt this much, but I guess it would since I still love you.” Kei said. “And dammit, I’ve really fucking missed you.”

“There’s no way I couldn’t miss you.” Tadashi managed to smile a little. “I guess your brother was right. We really can’t be without each other, can we?”

“Apparently not.” Kei shrugged. “And for what it’s worth, I’m sorry. I really didn’t want to hurt you at all and I tried to prevent that from happening, but it looks like it did anyway.”

“If you let it happen again, I’ll never forgive you.” Tadashi glared at Kei.

He shivered slightly and Kei couldn’t help but notice that Tadashi was only wearing a hoodie. He reached over, hesitating for a few seconds to determine if Tadashi approved, and wrapped his arm around him, pulling him closer.

“You were never prepared for stuff like the cold.” Kei said.

“And you’re oddly prepared.” Tadashi looked Kei up and down, noticing for the first time how he was properly dressed for the snow. “Have you been making a habit of this? Going out at night, I mean?”

“It’s helped calm me down. I just needed to get away for a while.” Kei nodded.

“At three in the morning?” Tadashi arched an eyebrow.

“And later.” Kei shrugged. “I haven’t been sleeping much lately.”

“No wonder you always look exhausted.” Tadashi leaned in a bit closer, resting his head on Kei’s shoulder. “Hinata and Noya were wondering if something had happened.”

“It clears my head for a bit.” Kei explained. “But yes, I’ve been fucking exhausted lately.”

“I can see why.” Tadashi sighed, knowing that Kei always did things that were detrimental to his health. 

“You look like you haven’t slept in a while, either.” Kei looked down at Tadashi with concern. “Those circles under your eyes don’t suit you at all.”

“I’ve had too much on my mind.” Tadashi shook his head.

“We should go get some sleep. We don’t want to make everyone worry more than they apparently are.” Kei said, reaching his hand up to stroke Tadashi’s hair. “Maybe it’s too soon for this, but you could stay at my place tonight if you wanted.” When Tadashi didn’t say anything, Kei said, “You still have some of your clothes at my place and technically, my house is a tiny bit closer than yours is, so you wouldn’t be in the cold for as long. And we can always drag the futon into my room because Akiteru’s home this weekend.”

“Why would I sleep on the futon?” Tadashi looked up at Kei.

“I mean, I don’t know if…with everything that’s happened…” Kei was struggling to find the right words.

“But wouldn’t that be sort of awkward for both of us?” Tadashi cocked his head to the side in confusion.

“Would it?” Kei frowned. “I don’t want to freak you out or anything like that.”

“You’re not.” Tadashi shook his head. “It’s sweet of you to think that, but I’ve always slept better when I’m with you, anyway.”

“So you’re okay with it?” Kei wanted to be absolutely certain. “I don’t want you to feel like you’ve been forced into this. Any of this.”

“Kei, it’s fine.” Tadashi reached over and put a hand on Kei’s knee.

“Then let’s head back because it’s fucking freezing out here.” Kei stood up, pulling Tadashi by the hand to help him to his feet.

“Again, you’re the one who wanted to come out here.” Tadashi reminded him.

“Yet you came out here of your own volition.” Kei smiled back at Tadashi as they crossed the bridge, taking care not to slip on the newly fallen snow. He wrapped his hand around Tadashi’s. “Geez, your hands are freezing.”

“That coming from the guy who has popsicles for feet.” Tadashi shuddered, remembering many sleepovers from their childhood. “Seriously, why are your feet always so cold, anyway?”

“Because they are.” Kei separated so he could link arms with Tadashi, though he still took Tadashi’s hand back in his. “Didn’t you bring gloves or something?” 

“Forgot.” Tadashi said sheepishly.

“Seriously, what am I going to do with you?” Kei sighed. “And you say I don’t have to worry about you.”

“I didn’t mean it like that,” Tadashi frowned.

“But anyway, let’s get back home and get warm.” Kei found himself shivering. “Seriously, I’m just glad we worked this out. I don’t think either of us could go through this a second time.”

“Just promise that we won’t have to do any of this anymore.” Tadashi stared up at him. “Unless you really don’t want to be with me anymore, don’t do this to me again, okay?”


End file.
